Forget College, Get a Husband: A Letter of Praise to Princeton Mom

Dear ReaSusan Pattonder,

President John F. Kennedy once said, “Let us think of education as the means of developing our greatest abilities because in each of us there is a private hope and dream which, fulfilled, can be translated into benefit for everyone and greater strength for our nation.” That’s a nice quote. What did it mean? Luckily, we have Susan Patton, author of the newly-released and fantastically reviewed Marry Smart, to let us know. At least if you are a girl. If you are a guy, go ahead and use education (specifically college) as a way to test and explore your true life calling, something like being a doctor or a lawyer or an artist or an author, and let your professors and peers guide you to the path you are meant to live. If you are female, on the other hand, forget about using higher education for the purposes of education. What a waste! It’s time for you to find a man to shag before your looks fade.

Personally, I admire Patton’s ability to not care about what the public says about her—because they are saying some pretty nasty things about her and her ideas. Hey, she doesn’t want to abide by the politically correct era we currently live in, and why should she? These are her ideas. If you break them down, you will find that they are perfectly well-reasoned and thought out.

Let’s go with her ratio, which means that college is 25% about professional development and 75% about finding the right guy to father your children. Everyone knows college is a bunch of classes no one is going to remember five years down the road. If you are in college, your parents may have spent countless hours racking up thousands upon thousands of dollars, but it was their choice to do that; you didn’t ask for a college education. And if you are paying for college by yourself, then you especially know the worth of those dollars. By all means, use college as you wish to.

Now, there is that little question about how a woman is to know if she wants a husband and children by the time she enters college. Because, of course, you can’t just decide that you want a husband during the last week of your senior year. You need to be on the lookout from the start! That means by the time you pass through those college doors, you must have your mind made up. But hey, you’ve had eighteen years to decide. How much more time do you need? Everyone knows it’s better to rush into a marriage and pop out those kids rather than making a more informed decision after you’ve had further life experience. This is a fast-paced world, and if you snooze, you lose.

As for finding a guy, nothing excites a college guy more than for a girl to tell him, “Drop your pants; I want your kids.” College guys love hearing that they are going to have the rest of their life planned out before they are legally old enough to drink.

Another thing guys love is for you to be pretty. So, if you’re not pretty, then change that. Not comfortable with doing that? Well, you want a husband, don’t you? Old wisdom tells us that the best marriages are the ones in which the female abandons her true self and works her body tirelessly in order to please her balding and potato-chip-consuming husband. Then, when you’re sick of being at home, you can go out and look for a job, because everyone knows the best time to kick start and manage your career is when you are trying to juggle three screaming children, a marriage, the mortgage, that new neighbor who won’t stop talking behind your back, student debt, and the car payment to your recently purchased minivan.

Unfortunately, as we go through Patton’s plan, we find that some are going to lose this game. After four years of college, all a girl may leave with is a degree. What’s that going to get her in the real world? Some could say, “Relax, it gets better.” Well, not really. According to Patton, once you go through those doors, your looks will fade, you won’t be as fertile, and your chances of getting the husband and family you wanted are just about over. You could go to your Plan B, except you just wasted all of your college years chasing after that man who didn’t show up. And since no one has ever found a loving soul mate and a rewarding family after college, you’re just about screwed. Now, you could try finding a job. If your grades aren’t that spectacular, just explain the situation to your employer. Tell him or her that you were too busy chasing those boys around to pursue an education. They should take that well. And if you are really discouraged, talk to your college advisor, and maybe you’ll get a free t-shirt out of all of this.

Of course, you could also put marriage and kids off to the side, go explore the world, find a career that makes you truly passionate, work on developing your values and ideals for life, refuse to put an expiration date on your happiness, and find a partner who will love you because of your essence and character rather than your (apparently peaking) physical beauty, but why do something so silly? After all, you’re college educated.


Jumbled Writer

*Photo Courtesy of Susan Patton.


2 Responses to Forget College, Get a Husband: A Letter of Praise to Princeton Mom

  1. Snappy and fun. You really managed to give an example of what a teenager might be thinking as they move forward in life. A little humor goes a long way to make a person stop and think about their career choices. Some women are happy to be wives and mothers at a young age – and sometimes it even works out, if the man/boy is on the same page. Some women are happy to be JUST wives and mothers (a monumental task from one who’s been there/done that). But you’re so right that there is probably not much thought going into most life choices. And maybe it’s supposed to be that way? Education is only good if you make use of it. Thanks for a good article again.

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