No Gays Allowed: A Guide for Future Business Owners

Stop discriminationDear Reader,

I want to take a moment to address the recent Arizona SB 1062 Bill that almost got passed. Some people are very pleased that such a bill did not get passed, as it would have possibly meant that discrimination against gays would have occurred. I must say that I have the same thoughts. However, I am pretty sure that something like this might try to get passed again. Now, just because I don’t personally agree with it doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t get passed. Each business should have to decide on its own how they wish to treat their customers and who they wish to serve to. However, just in case that businesses are thinking about denying service to gays, it should be stated that there are going to be some challenges to this. The most basic question that businesses are going to need to answer is, “How?”

Here are some tips.

1.) Develop Gaydar: This is essential if you want gays out of your business. Some people are better than others at using gaydar, so you might have to do a search to find someone who has very good gaydar skills. Now, some people are going to make your job easier for you.

Here are some things to look for in men: effeminate voices, little dogs as pets, short and tight clothing, make-up (facial or otherwise), cosmetics, greeting or answering another male with “Hey girlfriend!” or “Heeeeey!”, in any way using the term “bootylicious”, strutting, limp hands in the air (usually just one), has a lisp, smells too clean for a man, etc.

Look for these things in females: “manly” attitudes, little or no make-up, tough exterior, lack of strut when they walk, no small dogs as pets, minimal colors in their wardrobe, short hair, no dresses, lack of shaving, no high heels, expresses a large interest in camping or sports, etc.

2.) Ask Questions: Do you watch Sex in the City (men should not)? What is Kate Upton’s best feature (If a man and they answer, “Her color coordination!”, they are gay)? What is your opinion of Lady Gaga(If they answer, “My savoir!”, they are gay)? What was Cher’s last single called (If it is a man and they answer with the correct answer, they are gay)? How long was your longest relationship? What do you know about sports?

3.) Look for the tricksters: Uh-oh. This is where it gets tricky. Some people, in fact a very large percentage of the gay population, actually don’t fit with the stereotypes. That’s not good for you, because you want to make sure that no gays are allowed in your establishment. But would you believe that some gay men actually look like straight men? And they don’t talk in effeminate voices or watch Sex in the City or know who Cher is beyond being “some famous singer”? And some lesbians may actually wear pink and like items that could be described as “girly” and swing their hips when they walk? And to make things more complicated, some of your pure customers may have gay stereotypes, but may actually be straight. In order to make sure that gay people (and only the gay people) are not allowed into your business, make everyone do a polygraph test. Ask them if they are gay. If they don’t pass, kick then to the curb.

4.) Get Birth Certificates: Another complication with your plan is the transgendered and transsexual community. Some transgendered and transsexuals would answer that they are not gay, even if they fit into the gay community. Example: A woman may tell you that she is a straight woman who loves males, but she could actually have been born in a male’s body. You can check their IDs, but those who have fully transitioned to another gender will have changed their identification to fit their new gender. Due to this, make sure that all of your customers show the original copy of their birth certificate. Check to make sure that they are currently the same gender as what they started out as.

5.) Track Your Customers: Let’s say you run a restaurant and a straight person eats half of the meal but wants to take the other half home. However, the straight person then drives to meet their best friend, who is gay, and gives them the food! That means your restaurant helped a gay person. To avoid this, make sure that you have someone who can follow customers out of the restaurant so that your products are not being touched by gay people.

6.) What if a Polygraph Test Doesn’t Work? Some people may pass the polygraph test, even if they lied. In that case, get a thought detector. These do exist, but they are not yet fully advanced, so you’re going to have to find someone to do that for you. Trace their thoughts when they answer your questions.

7.) What about those in the closet? Remember that not all gay people are out of the closet yet, even to themselves. They may have a lot of thoughts about men, women, or both, but have not yet identified themselves as gay. So you’re going to have to make sure that they are not going to swing in the gay direction by asking them questions about their feelings towards members of the same and opposite sex.

8.) What about those who are questioning? Yet another complication comes from a regular customer who may start out straight, but then later on decide that they are gay. To avoid this, question everybody each time they use your services to make sure they didn’t cross over to the dark side.

9.)  Don’t be afraid to ask questions about a person’s past. For example, what if they identify themselves as straight, but they once had gay sex? Or a three-way? Or had thoughts about being gay? Those won’t due, either, so kick them out.

Further Tips:

10.) If someone is questioning their sexual orientation and is legitimately unsure of where to place themselves, refer to section eight above and kick them out.

11.) Make sure that someone isn’t in a straight relationship, but is actually bisexual.

12.) Make sure your customers do not support gay rights. If you don’t serve gays, supporting those who support gays is just as bad!

13.) What if someone doesn’t support gay rights, but has gay friends? See section 5 and kick those people out, too.

Once you have completely eliminated the entire LGBQT group (and all LGBQT supporters), use your leftover money to run the business the way you want to. Then rejoice in your accomplishments. You have made your business pure once again and can now continue on practicing the religious values of praying to a Higher Power, being non-judgmental, and loving others.


Jumbled Parody

*Link for Photo.


26 Responses to No Gays Allowed: A Guide for Future Business Owners

  1. This is a different look at a possible problem. I don’t think a true religious person (especially of Christian faith) really looks at gays that way. A true Christian is taught not their place to judge – and leave that to a Higher Power.If someone comes in and is right for the job then they should (and probably) will be hired in most cases. Since Gay is a sexual preference that shouldn’t even come up in an interview I would think. And since there are ‘dress-codes’ or requirements in all positions – it’s kind of hard to always judge the employer. I can’t imagine someone who isn’t physical fit being able to do a ‘fireman’s job’ for example. Also – long ago there was controversy or hiring overweight people at Hooters. Well, how can they advertise ‘hot, sexy’ waitresses – and not have them? Why would anyone else even want the job. (I certainly wouldn’t – I doubt I’d have much enjoyment). Since it’s a private enterprise – and it is their money being spent to build the business – I believe people should be hiring whomever they want and feel comfortable with. I also believe the question of gay should never come up in an interview and be of no consequence. But I don’t see a difference between disliking or bashing a gay or disliking or bashing a religion/religious person. Both are bashing.
    This was a very entertaining article. I enjoyed the satire.

    • I agree that it should be the best person qualified for the job who ends up getting the position, and not someone who is seen by the employer as a “better” person, for whatever reason.

  2. I’m so glad that bill was vetoed. Your post is not only hilarious, but illustrates how ridiculous such a law is. Many businesses post signs saying they can refuse service for any reason. If a business owner is determined to shun a customer, they can certainly find ways to do so, with or without a law. Personally, I don’t have a problem with a business owner posting a sign letting us know they prefer not to serve gays or interracial couples or whatever. That gives me an opportunity to avoid their business. I don’t want to give my business or money to a homophobe or racist. The problem I have with the law is that it opens the door to allow all sorts of civil rights violations. If businesses can refuse to serve people based on religion, will employers be able to discriminate in their hiring process? Will towns be able post signs that say “No gays allowed?” I’m all for freedom of religion, but I can’t see how hiring a gay person or serving a gay couple a meal violates a person’s religion.

  3. This is the best satire I’ve read all year. I guess I’m extremely disappointed when we’re having the same types of discussion in 2014 as we did decades ago. This country needs to cut the LGBT community some slack. They’re not out to hurt anyone, not that I’ve noticed anyway.

  4. Hmmm… if they deny service to gay people because they believe gays are sinners, then they should deny service to everyone, because everyone sins. And then they could be happy that they’re restaurant or whatever is free of sinners. Unless, of course, they counted themselves.

      • Wow! That is one of the best, most comprehensive and funniest discussions about homophobia I’ve ever read and I was an early Gay Rights activist (came out in 1978) so I’ve read a few. I’m a non-traditional lesbian sometimes bi-sexual who happens to be married to a transsexual woman so I cover a lot of that territory myself.

        I’m really grateful to you for the wisdom you provide without once being critical of the legislation or those who propose and/or would vote for it.

        It just proves what we’ve always known – GLBTQ people are smarter, funnier and have better home-decoration (me excluded) than the straight population.

        • Glad you enjoyed the post. I think it’s great that you allow yourself to be your true self rather than conform to labels and traditions.

  5. I am just curious about this one really: “Each business should have to decide on its own how they wish to treat their customers and who they wish to serve to.”

    I’m just thinking every customer should be treated fairly and respectfully regardless of status though I am not sure what is there to decide on and why should there be any reason to not be given service. He’s a customer so he deserves proper service, unless he is demanding for something impossible, beyond his capacity (in which case establishment should have valid proof that it IS beyond his capacity), illegal or against the rules of the establishment. I’m just curious really about what you mean by it.

  6. Great satirical post. On a more serious note: if a person is going to quote the Bible as a basis for discrimination, then they should not be allowed to cherry pick the scriptures. If you want to discriminate based on your religious beliefs then you should be aware of what your religion really states: these businesses need to discriminate against 1. divorced couples, 2. anyone who has sex outside of marriage, 3. people who wear two different materials at the same time; 4. people who work on Sundays…and so forth.

    • That’s true; just picking one “sin” feels a little too obviously discriminatory and doesn’t work logic-wise. And before people start throwing stones at other people, they might want to examine themselves.

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