I’ve recently done something extraordinary and gotten a job. Not only this, but I have (so far) maintained this job. I have not been fired, or threatened, or even yelled at. This idea amazes me for multiple reasons. First of all, I have never seen myself as someone who is capable of holding down a job. That idea just seemed so far, beyond, and above me. When I was younger, I always assumed that jobs were meant for special people, like grownups. Since I was not special and I was not a grownup, I figured I would never get one. My destiny, according to myself, was to remain in the basement of my parent’s house for the rest of my life. This was not a nice destiny for anyone to imagine.
Now I am working. These are strange times indeed. I am going to work and trying to understand what that means. I am becoming a regular there, someone that others can hopefully depend on. And, though I do not want to hope for something that may not come, I feel that getting fired is more remote of a possibility with each day. That is such a wonderful gift to have. I can’t believe my luck. There is a great confidence that comes with being able to support yourself. Never did I think that I would end up here.
I understand that this may not last forever. There will come a time when I will have to give up this job, voluntarily or not. Maybe this is not the right attitude to have, but it is something that I cannot help but ponder on. I feel termination as something that is going to be my future. All people must get fired or let go at some point. I know that this is not the thing to think about when I go on the job. If I tell myself that I will get fired, after enough times of using this attitude, I will complete my own prophecy. I might just give up because the depressing thoughts will become too much for me to deal with. So I am trying to find some balance with that. I suppose that is my biggest problem. If I pretend that I will have this job forever, then I just set up disappointment in my future. But if I consciously set up disappointment in my future, then I bring disappointment in my present. What I should do is “live in the moment”, but I am a planner. It feels like a sin against my brain’s wiring to “take things as they come”. Still, it also feels uncomfortable to move as quickly as I can while still maintaining focus on the job and it feels, sometimes, against my nature to talk to people, but I suppose I am doing that. So maybe that is what my job is teaching me: to do the things that do not feel right in the moment, but the things that I know are ultimately right. It is the only thing I can do. So my plan is to walk with one foot in front of the other, breathe regularly, and go along for this experience as long as it is meant to last.